A local man has come up with a way of running his car off organic materials and cleaning up the streets in the process.
Jack Russell has fitted his car with a fuel adaption recycling tank, (FART) which extracts methane from broken down poo particles to fuel the engine. Despite the increase of bran flakes in his diet, Mr Russell doesn’t poo enough per day to make enough fuel, so he has taken to the streets with a spatula and a roll of sandwich bags to collect the raw materials that he needs. Locals think he is a first class balloon, but Jack claims he’s on to a winner.
He tells us about how he came up with the idea.
“This town is a crap hole, quite literally, you can’t walk two feet without skidding over a dog dollop. Honestly, the street that I live on is like a minefield, the turds are like Pokemon GO players…f**king everywhere,” he explained.
“I was arriving home from work one day and had just pulled up at curb side, i was getting out of my car and didn’t see the mound of mutt fudge on the pavement…well, it was like an epic fail clip from Dancing on ice, I slipped, did a little uncontrolled panic dance and fell back into my car. Then the idea hit me like an unexpected knock at the back door…you know the sort, when you have about three seconds to get to your office for a very impootant meeting. I planned to fuel my car with pavement plops a clean up the streets,” Mr Russell told us whilst proudly holding aloft a sack of shit.
Jack collects on a daily basis to ensure he has enough guff to maintain a steady supply.
“I go about in the morning with my spatula and a roll of sandwich bags, resealable, and scoop the poop. Some folk are quite helpful, they put the poo in little bags and tie them to tree branches or shove them in bushes, they’re like my personal poo fairies. It all gets dumped into the FART then I turn it on and let it do its business, voila, fuel for my mule,” explained Jack, as faecal matter dripped out of the bag.
“Mules, now there’s an idea…I’m going to venture out to Blackpool beach with a bucket and spade, I’m not talking sand castles. Those donkeys drop enough captains logs in a day to fuel the Starship Enterprise for a month. Im going to have to get me a shite silo, or maybe my mum will let me use her shed“.
Jack Russell went on to say that he is thinking of asking the council for a job doing poo patrols on the streets and in local parks. “I know I’m benefiting from the poo but I’m doing the council a favour by doing their job for them, I may as well get paid for it”, he told us, whilst sniffing his fingers.
Before leaving Mr Russel offered to shake our hands, but we politely refused.