Gone are the days, when driving home from a lazy Sunday afternoon walk, the soul wrenching smell of canine fecal matter began to drift up from the foot well.
There are however dog owners, who once their dog defecates on the floor, they carefully scoop it up in a bag; then, toss the bag into a nearby bush or tree.
For many years, the reason behind this has been unknown, but thanks to a study commissioned by the Druid’s Loom we know know the answer. They are just fucking nut jobs.
Peter Oilyblubber, a habitual “tree shitter”, as they call themselves, tried to explain, in a frighteningly disturbing way, why he does this.
“I watch my dog lay his firm meaty cable on to the ground. On a cold day you can can see it steaming. I then take my dog poo bag and place my hand inside it. I put the outside of the bag on to the excrement and clasp it in my palm. It feels deliciously warm to the touch, and if I squeeze I feel it mush into my fingers. Then I turn the bag inside out and tie a firm knot in the bag. Finally, I chuck it into a tree, so passers by can enjoy the spectacle of a dozen bags of putrefying gut chocolate, gently swaying in the breeze.“
Our reporter then left hastily as it appeared that Mr Oilyblubber was massaging the outside of his groin and had given himself and erection.
Irate nature lover, Pauline Highchest told the Druid’s Loom, “I don’t get it!” she exclaimed angrily. “They have done the gross bit, by picking it up and sealing it in plastic. Then they chuck it in a tree. Essentially they have taken a biodegradable product and preserved it in polythene. Those ‘tree turds’ will be there forever. What the fuck is wrong with these people.“
Sack of Shit
“I’d call them a sack of shit“, she continued. “But it’s a title that they would probably enjoy owning.“