“If a lion was chasing a pack of gazelle across the Serengeti plains, the strong would get away and the weakest members of the group would be caught and eaten. The weakest would be the smallest, the injured, the youngest and the disabled.”
These are the words from the Department for Work and Pensions yesterday; in defence of their latest attack on the weakest members of society – namely the £30, per week reduction in ESA payments.
MP’s Pay Rise
Meeting our reporter at an expensive London hotel, DWP spokesperson, Brian Scruntis told us. “We have to make cuts, there is a £50billion HS2 railway that needs to be built, some fracking plants that need subsidies and of course the pay rise for all MP’s. That money needs to come from somewhere”
He then continued to stuff his face with a cream cake, from a platter, that he bought on expenses.
Speaking with his mouthful, will all cream coming out the sides as he spoke, he continued. “Charles Darwin invented ‘Survival of the Fittest’ ,I think, and people like him. We are only following his rules. Leave the weakest members of society out to die young and they will be less likely to reproduce – thus creating a stronger population. It’s the kindest thing really.”
Reaching over the table, he poured a glass of expensive wine, and chose another cake – this time a chocolate eclair – with his fat stubby little fingers. “We toyed with the idea of euthanasia, but Hitler tried that and it wasn’t popular from what I remember.”
Belching, and then ordering a whiskey Mr Scuntis further explained, “The type of people who are complaining about this are those that watch a David Attenborough programme and get all upset when the leopard catches and kills a lame antelope. ‘Ooo why doesn’t the cameraman rescue it’ they say. Because the leopard has to eat, that’s why! It’s cruel but it’s just mother nature.”
Ironically at that point, Mr Scruntis clicked his fingers and summoned the waiter demanding to see the luncheon menu. He chose smoked ham hock terrine to start, followed by slow cooked rolled beef. He didn’t bother with dessert as there were still a few cream cakes left.
“Put it on my expense account!” he grunted to the waiter, before ordering a coffee and asking our reporter to leave.