Hundreds of pigeons gather outside chippies throughout town on a daily basis in hope of chippy owners dishing out freebies, with no such luck. Some pigeons have even resorted to violence to get their spicy fix, they have been known to karate chop customers with their disease ridden wings and steal their chippy tea.
One lady said she tried to fork a Pigeon in the face to fend it off, but three more came and aided the attack and theft leaving her outnumbered and bricking it.
“I couldn’t see for feathers, they set about me, pecking my head and attempting to claw me with their stubby, barbed wire damaged feet. They stole my half chips half rice with curry that I had in a carrier bag, two birds on each handle. I could have sworn one of them stuck two feathers up and called me a dickhead…I don’t speak pigeon so I could be wrong,” she told us.
The council have hired a squadron of elite falcons to deal with the pigeon yobs, “Operation: Wrapped up or eat now?” is well underway. They hope these hardcore hunting machines will rid the chippy fronts of these crazed curry addicts, who will stop at nothing to get a hit.
As well as aggressive behaviour, the curry addiction is causing another problem….more bird shit.
There has been a 72% rise in the amount of avian dollops dropped each day (yes, somebody has been paid to work out that statistic, what a world). Council street cleaners are being forced to work double shifts, armed with wallpaper scrapers.
One street cleaner said it is hard work scraping shit off the ground as they are constantly being shit on, but they’re making progress.
“I tell you, there’s no glamour in this job, constantly dodging bird bombs, it’s like Pearl Harbor out there. Going home looking like you’ve spent four hours paintballing isn’t nice, I get earache off the wife because the shit clogs up the washing machine.“