Theresa May and the Department for Education acted with bewilderment today over a report that showed that selective Grammar Schools, outperform non-selective schools in exam league tables.
“It came as a huge shock to me,” explained education chief Mandy Monkslpatter.”Who would have thought that a school that only allows children who are good at passing exams – does better in an education system that requires children to be good at passing exams?“
“If these non-selective schools want to compete, they are going to have to not allow students who are crap at exams into their classrooms,” she added thoughtfully.
Level Playing Field
The Government has responded to this fucking obvious report by pledging to introduce more Grammar schools.
“If Grammar schools do better we must introduce more of them,” explained Schools Commissioner, Derek Fondleballs – a man who seems oblivious to the term “level playing field”. “If we have more Grammar schools then we will be able to select more students who are good at sitting exams,” he added, with a confused look on his face that suggested he didn’t really understand what he was saying.
Fucking League Tables
Brian Clotnobber, a headteacher from a normal comprehensive schools told the Druid’s Loom, “Of course Grammar schools perform better in the fucking league tables. If you put a high concentration of really clever people in one room to sit exams, of course the average score will be better than a room full of mixed ability people.
“What will happen to the less able students, when all our bright students are ‘creamed off’?” he asked. “They will be left languishing in underfunded poor performing schools. Schools that have absolutely no hope of competing with the selective Grammars, ” he added, before shouting “Utter Wankers” and storming off.
Meanwhile Jeremy Hunt is investigating the new idea of Grammar Hospitals, that only select healthy people for treatment and thus have really low mortality rates.