51 year old Vera Chump has exposed herself live on the family reunion TV show - Reunited.
Her brother Ronald 53 told The Druids Loom – “I hadn’t seen my sister for over twenty years and had no idea she was waiting backstage to see me. The host of the show said ‘I have a surprise for you – we’ve found your sister, are you ready to see her?‘
Tears He burst into tears and started shaking – ‘Oh my god Maggie!‘ he screamed.
Horror The audience cheered as Ronald’s sister walked on to the stage. But his excitement turned to horror when he noticed:
purple make up smudged all over her eyebrows
a tattoo of a microwave on her face
a pierced eye ball
odd shoes on
a half empty bottle of kung fu cider
breasts that hung lower than her knees
a rucksack with a rat peeping out of it.
They hugged – ‘Maggie it’s been so long – where have you been living all these years?‘ he said –
‘I’ve been living in a skip. Mornings are the worst – some bloke keeps pouring cement and plasterboard over my head‘ Maggie replied. ‘
Have you been working all this time?‘ he asked. ‘Yes,’ she confirmed ‘I’m a professional ass boxer now.’
‘Now that sounds intriguing – what does that sport entail then?‘ said the host.
‘Well it’s when two fighters hit each others asses with their asses‘ she replied. At this point Ronald wanted the floor to open up and swallow him – “I was so mortified to be a recognised sibling to this woman. I had to think of a way out, but I couldn’t just run out of the TV studio,” he told us.
‘Do you have any children?‘ he asked
‘Yes I do, she confirmed. ‘There’s Bob, Belinda, Barbara, Bill, Brian, Barry, Beatrice, Benny and Big Balls‘
Ronald then asked her if she ever married.
‘Yes, I married an underwear thief,” she explained. “He went to jail for stealing a pair of knickers and trying to hide the evidence. The police couldn’t remove the panties from his teeth so as a last resort they swung him round like a helicopter blade – demolishing two fences.‘
‘Did you ever try to find your brother?‘ said the host.
‘Yeah, I enquired at every massage parlour in the north of England‘ she replied giggling.
Ronald finally had enough, and stood up and exclaimed – ‘I’m sorry everyone but I’m afraid there’s been a terrible mistake here. I am not this Lady’s brother. I am not this lady’s brother because, well because I am a woman.‘
The audience gasped – ‘A woman?‘ said the host stunned.
‘Yes I am a woman – I’ve had a sex change operation,‘ he said.
My sister pulled down her knickers and yelled, ‘So have I – look at this thing hanging!“
It emerged today that some schools are planning to charge students £2 to take a dump and £1 to have a wee, after funding cuts mean they can no longer afford toilet paper, and those little yellow urinal cakes.