Lord Melonbuttock; who was born into money and has lived an exceptionally privileged life; found himself trapped in his wealth yesterday after he inherited even more money from his father’s estate.
“It is terrible,” he moaned. “I now have so much money I don’t know what to do with it.“
Lord Melonbuttock is trying a number of tactics in order to escape from the claustrophobic horrors of having piles and piles of cash.
“The first thing I did was go and buy a new watch. Not a cheap Rolex thing. I got one without a price label on it – you know the ones? If you have to ask the price you can’t afford it,” he explained.
Sadly however, it turned out that the watch only cost about as much as a four bedroom detached house in the home counties. Lord Melonbuttock still has shit loads of money holding him prisoner in his own mansion. It is a hopeless situation.
“I am becoming desperate – I guess those grubby people who have to use food banks – can appreciate my plight,” he whined.
Lord Melonbuttock has since bought a solid gold diamond studded iPhone, Bugatti Veryon, Private Jet and a couple of Yachts, and is still drowning under the pressure of his vast wealth.
Irate Poor People
“Poor ‘people’ don’t know how lucky they are. Impossibly rich people like me – who don’t even have to do a days work – are treated like minorities. It’s not easy being rich and privileged. Only last week I had to evict a 35 young families from the homes they rent from my late father’s company. I increased their rental by 80% and they couldn’t pay! It was horrible – I actually had to speak to some irate poor people – imagine that?“
Charity or Philanthropy Work
Our reporter suggested that if Lord Melonbuttock were to pay some tax on his fortune, it might relieve him of his financial burden. “Tax? That’s that thing working people have to pay isn’t it? My accountant in Panama deals with all my tax affairs and they are a private matter,” he replied smugly.
Our reporter then proposed that Lord Melonbuttock donated some money to a charity or did some philanthropy work.
“Good Lord no! Now fuck off my land, before I set my dogs on you.“