Royal marriage in crisis. BBC licence fee set to rocket

The Queen blames husband for allowing Buckingham Palace to fall into state of disrepair, accusing him of being ' bloody useless around the house'. The Queen stated ' One has exhausted all options,one has nowhere else to go, one had to contact Nick Knowles DIY SOS ' she said, on The One Show.

The Duke of Edinburgh
The Duke of Edinburgh
CITYEDV / Pixabay

Despite his self titled gold award the Duke of Edinburgh appears to be a busted royal flush when it comes to general maintenance. Gossip has spread that Phil had a ‘right royal meltdown’ due to the leaking roof at Buck House. A Royal aide said ‘ he was sat in the corner in a foetal position screaming we’ve run out of pans, we need more pans the wife’s going to kill me. I can’t even control my own water problems despite prophylactic trimethoprim, damn these urinary tract infections’.

GROWLER-BOWELS
Royal Spokesperson Camilla Growler-Bowels attempted to difuse the situation. ‘ I can assure the public that the queen has this matter under control. Her Majesty has had numerous builders in giving quotes and estimates and has now run out of milk, tea and bacon. By and large the quotes were extortionate, asking the queen to pay a crown and royal sceptre for a leaky tap and a few loose floorboards is unacceptable, hence why we had to contact friend of the family Nick and his team excluding the cheeky chirpy cockney electrician he’s not required. We have asked that they bring their own flasks and packed lunches.’

SPANNER
Amid the controversy over the £369 million increase in the license fee man of the people and poor man’s wolverine Nick Knowles expressed his delight at the Royal approval ‘ I’ve been friends with the princes since the Help the Heroes episode in fact i’ll let you into a secret, I call them Harry Will you know like the bald big collared You’ve Been Framed commentator. I realise the W is a problem but then i’m not a comedian i’m a quiz master. We did a foreigner at Balmoral a while ago and all Prince Philip did was stand near the cement mixer with a spade saying can’t we put the gingerbread man in it. I’m assuming he’s referring to BBC Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell. I can confirm that he is bloody useless, he doesn’t like me just because i’m called Nicholas too, he’s a complete spanner, he smiled at me once at Balmoral only because i said i was doing a foreigner and had misunderstood what I meant’.

WHEEZY
The proposed astronomical increase in license fee has not gone down well in some parts of parliament with the Labour Leader and MP for Narnia Jeremy Dustbyn who said ‘ this is such a shock it’s left my shadow health secretary with permanent breathing problems and gasping for breath’. I have a question from Shaz of JeremyKyleLand who asks: ‘How can Liz a jobless billionaire from London be given £369 million whilst the state refuses to pay me enough for my £30,000 wedding? She is exactly the same as me apart from the billionaire bit.” The Prime Minister and Supreme Witch of Oz Brianna May responded, “Might I remind the honourable gentleman that this is Prime Ministers Questions not Prime Ministers Answers, the funding will be given based on the fact I used to be in a band called Queen”.

BUILD UPDATE
‘It’s been almost a week since the build began and things are progressing nicely’ said Knowles .’We put the slurry in and cemented the floors and grounds all on the first day which cost us £368 million so it’s possible we might be slightly over budget, but the PM’s promised us an extra £30,000 to get the job done. Asked about the mysterious disappearance of Royal Correspondent Nicholas Witchell, Knowles replied: “Well he was definitely here at the start but I’ve not seen him since which would be going on for five days now. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence”.

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