“SATs are Awesome and Useful” – Lies Nicky Morgan

Today, the Secretary of State for Education lied to Parents, Teachers and Headteachers and said that SATs are awesome and really useful.

"Just Do What I Fucking Say", Nicky Morgan, Yesterday.
“Just Do What I Fucking Say”, Nicky Morgan, Yesterday.
Image Courtesy of Policy Exchange, Under the CC BY2.0 License. Modified facial features.

After many parents decided to take their children out of school to protest over the Primary School tests –  and a further 40,000 signed a petition expressing concern about over-testing in the UK – Nicky Morgan and the Department of Education couldn’t give a shit.

Ad-Infinitum
Nicky Morgan simply repeated the same phrase, looped ad-infinitum, “Taking children out of school even for a day is harmful to their education“, without addressing any of the concerns given.

Assessment
Children are assessed at the end of every hours worth of teaching,” explained Harriet Marbletone, one exasperated teacher.  “They are then assessed on the assessment which is further peer assessed. After this, children review the assessment, and repeat the assessment in order to improve. Once this is done, it is home time.

Re-sits
Any child not meeting their target will then have to re-sit the assessment the next day”, she continued. “The problem is, the only time we can fit this in, is in the teaching bit of the day, so they miss that. Then they have to be assessed on work they haven’t even been taught – so they bugger that up too! It’s a nightmare.

Washing Machine
Chorly Wartburger, a concerned parent from Pershore, told the Druid’s Loom, “I think my child is actually stupider when she gets home, than when she left in the morning. If I sat her in front of the washing machine for an hour, she would have a deeper understanding of the world, than if she spent three weeks in the hellish British education system.

Last week she came home from school crying, because she couldn’t understand the concept of a fronted adverbial or a subordinate conjunction. She couldn’t  even pronounce the fucking words!” Mrs Wartburger complained angrily.

Blame Teachers
Department for Education Spokesman, Harvey Clitbutt explained, “The purpose of these tests is to improve standards. It’s quite a clever system designed to cut costs. Teachers have no time to actually teach anything; so standards will invariably  fall. We can then blame the teachers for falling standards and pay them less. The tax-payer will benefit as a result.

Embedded Clauses
Florence Perkins, a 7 year old from Harlow said, “I forgot to surround my embedded clauses with commas and I misused my prepositional phrases. I have missed all my targets and I have basically been consigned to the scrap-heap. I just long for the summer holidays where I can be a child again, and play in the fields – except I can’t ‘cos I have to go to fucking summer school to catch up.

The Druid’s Loom asked Nicky Morgan for her comments and she repeated, “Taking children out of school even for a day is harmful to their education” again and again, until our reporter hit her with a heavy book.

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Sean Moscovita

Is it me or is t the commoditising of our children to catch them young and lock them into a brand that they will stay for life – if won.