Daily Mail reporters and their accompanying photographers have today expressed their concern over the sharp fall in good looking teenage girls collecting their A-Level results.
“It is one of the most rewarding reports I write each year,” explained Cedric Stainpants, senior education reporter for The Daily Mail, and borderline sex offender. “I get to camp outside a Sixth Form college and take photos of 17 and 18 year old girls, jumping for joy in their crop tops as their firm young breasts jiggle for the camera.“
However, this year things are very different.
“I don’t understand what’s going on. This class of 2016 are just not up to the usual standard. A few girls got good grades at Stantonfield Sixth Form Center, but they were right uggos,” Mr Stainpants told us. “One high-flyer, had thick glasses, acne, a brace and small tits. Another wore a hijab!“
High-flying student James Studyman told The Druid’s Loom, “I got four A*s in Maths, Further Maths, Physics and Economics, the highest grades in the school. I asked the reporter if he wanted a picture of me to go with his article. He asked me if I had a back story – if I was gay, or abused as a child for example. When I told he him ‘no’, he just said, ‘Fuck off, no one wants to see pictures of a nerd’.”
All wasn’t lost for Mr Stainpants though.
“I managed to cobble together a bunch of girls doing a BTEC in hairdressing. It’s not quite the same, but they giggled sexily and were dressed like right sluts,” he grinned.
As he and his photographer were packing up their equipment Mr Stainpaints expressed his worry of the standards of this year crop of educated jailbait.
“It’s a worrying trend. If the aesthetic standard of female college students continues to decline, how are we going to whip up middle aged men into a sexual frenzy over their breakfast?“
“Still, there’s always the GCSE results next week,” he added hopefully.