Shoppers at a Hereford branch of Tescos were horrified yesterday, to discover a huge turd wiping the shelves clean of toilet roll.
“It was disgusting, this big fat heap of excrement was gathering up all the toilet roll and bundling it into his trolly“, explained horrified shopper Marigold Anusol. “He left nothing for anyone else, and even got really aggressive when someone asked him to share.“
The Druid’s Loom managed to get old of the lump of shite at his home in Burcott and confronted him over his selfish actions, “I am entitled to purchase what I like, from where I like,” blustered the festering mound of fecal matter, through his own stench. “When I voted for Brexit I voted to take back control, and this is me taking back control.“
We asked the sample of stool, if if he thought it was fair that he had taken all the supplies for himself. “I don’t fucking care if its fair. As long as I am alright!” he shouted at us. “Fuck the weak, fuck the elderly, fuck the vulnerable. As long as I am okay, I don’t give a me,” he exclaimed.
“And you know what? I’m off out at 5am tomorrow to begin queuing for some more,” he added rapturously.
Social expert Bromley Peachfuzz explained these actions to the Druid’s Loom. “Unfortunately there is a small group of society who thinks that nobody matters but them. These include pieces of defecation, streaks of piss, twats, penises and arseholes. Thankfully there are many selfless people out there too. Those working on the front line to keep vital services running and just nice human beings, who are reaching out to help others.“
“As for the piece of shit, I hope he chokes on his stock piled canned sweetcorn.“