Smart Homes are Thick as Pig Shit

The latest so called "Smart Homes", are actually fucking stupid, a study for the Druid's Loom revealed yesterday.

Smart Homes Make Life Intolerable
Smart Homes Make Life Intolerable
Image Courtesy of Scott Lewis under the CC BY2.0 License

The latest scheme by energy companies to extract even more money out of their customers has proven to be utter shit by a comprehensive Druid’s Loom study yesterday.

The news comes after many thousands of people have taken to twitter to express their anger that these so called “smart homes”, actually cost more and make life utterly intolerable.

I signed up to a smart home scheme from Npower because someone phoned me up and told me it would save money,” explained George Muckleclit, a letter box salesman from Exeter. “I initially had to purchase an array of smart home equipment, but they assured me that it would be much more efficient, and may even help save the planet.”

Mr Muckleclit purchased the expensive “SMART Starter Kit”, that looked quite cool, but would be obsolete and unsupported in about 12 months.

I had to buy, a Smart Meter, Smart Thermostat, Smart Cameras, 4 Smart plugs, Smart control unit, A Smart Wireless Transmitter, and an app for my iPhone – which I had to upgrade because my original one wasn’t good enough” he told us.

When the equipment arrived Mr Muckleclit was anxious to discover that most of the installation had to be done by himself.

I have never been that great with technology, so it was all a bit daunting. The installation guy, just went upstairs and fiddled about in the airing cupboard, went for a piss, and buggered off,” he explained.

“I was left with piles of confusing equipment and an online instruction guide that I couldn’t use because the first thing I had to do was disconnect my wireless hub,” he said frantically.

I had to pair all the devices to my router using a WPS ,WEP, WAP and WMA or something. Then set the communication channel to one compatible with my current system. Each device requires a 24 digit code to authenticate, that is only available by texting a premium rate  number – To be honest I didn’t have a fucking clue what I was doing.

Eventually, after much frustration and tears,  Mr Mickleclit got the system, sort of working – even though it was completely unreliable, kept resetting itself and was totally unfit for purpose.

In my old system, I set the time I wanted to heating to come on and go off and set a thermostat to the required temperature,” he reminisced. “On this I have to log in to a secure website, update the central heating server configuration and then wait while the system ‘analyses my environment’ to determine my energy needs. The problem is, it drops the connection at least once a day and I have to go through the whole soul-wrenching setup procedure again.”

It’s not even saving me money, because it has decided that I needed my home to be heated to a constant 30°C. I have ruined my perfectly functional central heating system,“he added.

Worse still, I accidentally broadcast myself masturbating over the internet with the motion sensor cameras. I face a charge under the the Misuse of Telecommunications Act 1990 as well as having to sign on to the Sex Offenders Register for 2 years,” he explained desperately.

I also can’t switch my fucking lights off,” he added.


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