Squatter prevents lady from shaking her lettuce.

With a problematic pigeon and her husband being a useless tit, Mrs Billody is forced to leave her lettuce damp.

The squatter, in all his feathery glory.
The squatter, in all his unkempt glory. Image courtesy of Shaun Weldon.

A slightly unkempt wood pigeon has found its way into a greenhouse and is becoming a bit of a problem for the elderly owner. 

 

“SHOO”

82 year old Agnes Billody discovered the pigeon when she went out to her greenhouse to tend to her greens this morning. After several attempts to “shoo” the scruffy scoundrel with a bean pole, she decided to retreat to the safety of her kitchen and have a crumpet.

 

DAMP LETTUCE

Mrs Billody speaks of her encounter.

Every morning I go out to the greenhouse to shake my lettuce, it’s always damp in the morning, nobody likes to leave their lettuce damp all day. I spotted the pigeon straight away on the shelf above my husbands gooseberries, which, I must add, the pigeon had Shat on. I tried to send it on its way with a bean pole but it just laughed at me and gave me the middle feather, I thought bugger this, I’m going in for my breakfast”.

 

MORNING PISS

After her crumpets, Mrs Billody entered her bedroom to turn on her sleeping husbands hearing aid, she then returned to the greenhouse to call her husband for assistance. After his morning piss and a scratch of his arse, Mr Billody joined his wife to deal with the squatter.

 

UGLY NUISANCE

My husband told me to twat it with an Argos catalogue, I said I’d twat him with one and flush his Viagra down the toilet, the nasty bastard. I thought it was best to phone the council and report the ugly nuisance, then tell them about the pigeon”, Mrs Billody tells us.

 

SQUATTERS RIGHTS

Much to her dismay, the council explained to Agnes that the pigeon is entitled to claim squatters rights, forcing it to fuck off could result in a courtroom dispute, should the pigeon decide to be a dick about it. Mrs Billody’s lettuce will remain damp until an access agreement has been reached.

 

SHAKE YOUR LETTUCE

I’m not eating her lettuce unless she shakes the drips off first, I’ll go and see the lady next door, her lettuce doesn’t smell”, Mr Billody added.

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