“Sugary Foods Taste Nicer than Tears” – People Say

In a survey taken by The Druid's Loom, we found that people already know that sugary food is bad for them and that taxing it probably won't affect consumption.

We Get It - They are Bad for Us!
We Get It – It’s Bad for Us!
Unsplash / Pixabay

The main reason people eat sugary food is because for just one brief moment, in their otherwise pointless existence, they feel satisfied and comforted.

Masturbation
Clive Mankle, A data processor from Stevenage told the Druid’s Loom, “My job consists of the same tedious and mindless routine. I leave my home at 6.30am, drive to the office, where I enter pointless data into a pointless bloody database. I get home at 6.30pm. Eating a Mars Bar, or a Twix, is the one pleasure I have during those soul destroying twelve hours. At least when I get home I can masturbate for a bit

Bitter Misery
Our survey found that people know that fruit and vegetables are healthy and cakes and biscuits are not. They reason why they drink a can

of caffeine laced Coke, or munch on a jam filled donut is because they somehow sweeten the bitter misery of life.

Swift Release of Death
I work full-time doing a job I hate. They can tax the fuck out of chocolate for all I care,” Single mother, Fiona Plunch exclaimed. “I’d happily pay £10 for a bar of Cadbury’s Caramel. The only thing sweeter than the gooey, sickly centre, would be the sweet swift release of death”

Funding Sports and Stuff
Department of Health spokesperson Christopher Arsegut, crossed and uncrossed his eyes for a bit, then explained, “We know people are still going to buy sweet stuff, even if we tax it at 100%. It works out great for us. All the money is going to go into funding sports and stuff. It will replace all the grants and other financial support we have cut over the last five years“.

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Curtis B

I don’t like sweet foods so I guess I am alright !!
Lol