Sun ‘Journalist’ Regrets Having a Go at Doctors

The Sun 'journalist' who was responsible for the scathing article about Junior Doctors, calling for those who strike to be sacked, regretted his actions when he was diagnosed with cancer of the soul earlier today.

Sun Journalists - Grubby Little Turds
Sun Journalists – Grubby Little Turds
Image courtesy of Simon Bleasdale under the CC BY-ND2.0 License

I was devastated,” Jack Totalshit told the Druid’s Loom. “I have worked for the Sun for nearly 10 years and I have never regretted anything that I have written. My diagnosis of soul cancer today has changed all that.

Selfish Remorse
Mr Totalshit has spent much of his career demonising innocent professionals, and making lives a misery, in order to fill columns in the popular comic. He received his diagnosis today and was suddenly filled with selfish remorse.

Best to Say Sorry
I realised that I would have to be treated by the very doctors that I described as lazy, greedy and feckless. I thought to myself, ‘shit I better make amends.’ When the Junior doctor treating me recognised the name, I thought it best to say sorry for a bit. I think it worked because he hasn’t tried to hurt me yet.

Parasitic Selfish Bastards
Dr Bloomdale, who is treating Mr Totalshit, explained to the Druid’s Loom, “As much as I wanted to gouge his eyes out with my stethoscope, we treat all patients equally. This is because we are professionals and not a bunch of parasitic selfish bastards. If Rupert Murdoch himself walked in he would receive the same treatment as everyone else.”

Lesbian Nurse Romps
Mr Totalshit explained that there was a silver lining to his stay in hospital, “I’ve made up a great article about regular ‘Lesbian Nurse Romps’ in hospital beds, at the taxpayer’s expense. It’s a load of bollocks, but will really serve to denigrate the NHS further.”

Grovelling Little Weasel
Consultant Oncologist told the Druid’s Loom, “The whole thing has really surprised us. Not the apology; that’s the sort of thing we expected from the grovelling little weasel. No, the fact that he has soul cancer. We didn’t think Sun journalists had a soul.

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