Teacher Recruitment Crisis – Problem Solved

The Government has told primary schools that it has found the solution to the teacher recruitment crisis. It has ordered the shut down of the School Direct training scheme for this year.

A Primary School with no Teachers, Yesterday.
A Primary School with no Teachers, Yesterday.
Image Courtesy of Wikimedia Under the CC BY2.0 License

There are mounting concerns that there is going to be a huge shortage of teachers over the next few years in UK schools.

The government has reacted to this warning by ordering all places on the Schools Direct course to be frozen with immediate effect. From today, no new applicants can enrol on the course.

Another Dimension
Ben Gruntmunger, a Head Teacher from a small Primary School in  Skipton, told the Druid’s Loom, “Have I been transported to another dimension or something? One where fucking stupid ideas are regarded as sensible? What is wrong with these idiots? There are not enough teachers! Train some more! Arrrrgggggghhhhh!

The Druid’s Loom couldn’t figure out the reasoning behind this either, so we contacted the Department of Education to investigate.

Degree in Economics
Spokes person Humphrey Longpubes told the Druid’s Loom, “I think we have spoken to you before about the teacher recruitment crisis. I really do wish you would stop bothering us. These Head Teachers who are moaning about this, are clearly stupid people who know nothing about anything. I have a degree in economics and I have worked for an advertising firm for a number of years, so I obviously know loads about everything.

Market Value
We pressed Mr Longpubes on the question of closing down the Schools Direct scheme for the current year.

Don’t you know anything about supply and demand?” he barked at us aggressively. “You reduce supply and thus drive up the market value for the product. Then we can sell the product at a higher price and make more profit. It really is basic economics!

Offensive Names
We pointed out that a teacher was not a commodity that could be bought and sold on the stock markets, to which  Mr Longpubes called us a range of offensive names and slammed the phone down.


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