Britain’s worst pub award 2016 has gone to The King’s Arms in Slough.
Elated landlord Dick Swill, told the Druids Loom – “I’m over the moon, and so are our prices. I would recommend you visit our delightful charming little shit hole and admire the aesthetics – a yucky yellow dungeon slumped in corpses.“
The old beams of the pub are so low you have to belly dance under them on a carpet so stained it is made of 50% actual stain.
“Check out our ‘Snug’,” Mr Swill added. “Some of our patrons hide in their from the other customers – pop in and try socialising with these manic depressive, tortoise-like people that like to stew in a healthy atmosphere of abject, morose misery – it will give you a boost.“
Whilst at The King’s Arms you might like to play our only available pub game – Dominoes. That’s of course if you’ve lost your mind to the point of getting aroused at the sight of plastic oblongs with dots on, being placed next to some plastic oblongs with dots on.
Lavish bar snacks are available – smoked salmon?, prawn cocktail? caviar?, not really – pork scratchings. Yes a bag of deep fried, misshapen chunks of pig skin covered in salty shit crumbs. How about that for an appetizer?. Never listen to those that say – “never trust a hairy snack”.
Romance can also be on the cards at The King’s Arms, as the landlord went on to explain.
“In our pub there’s always a chance for romance,” he grinned impishly. “A drunken dance with the landlady who has two chins, one shoelace, and a tattoo of a vacuum cleaner on her face. She’s so rough looking you can’t tell the front of her from the back.“
The highlight of the week is Karaoke night. Tone deaf novice crooners encouraged to sing songs they don’t know the words to – smart idea. You can understand the logic behind the Karaoke’s inclusion to the pub entertainment on offer though. Why book a professional singer when you can listen to the vocal prowess of locals such as –
- Fat head teddy belly ass Shithouse ( not a tenor singer but a fine product of incest ).
- Olive slop tit sewerage scum Splat ( not a soprano singer as yet, but recognised worldwide for having a body piercing in the anus region ).
- Billy splodge dozy dick bubble Bollocks ( not quite a Baritone singer, but renowned for snorting the obscure class a drug – oven cleaning fluid – Mr. Muscle ).
- Gertrude scabby ass dung heap Cack ( not a contralto singer as such, but noted for molesting cartoons with whole pineapples – not chunks).