The Women of Jorvik

We must respect our ancestors; as we are the result of a thousand loves. But women in the viking age, had it hard, or at least they wished they had it hard!

Left, the TV Lagertha – Right. The real Lagertha.
Left, the TV Lagertha – Right. The real Lagertha.

We must respect our ancestors; as we are the result of a thousand loves.

But back in the late 9th; early 10th century, the Viking women of Jorvik were totally bummed out 24/7. That said; there was indeed one particular law within the culture that gave women the upper hand, especially when it concerned marital issues.
According to the history books; a woman who was not given a good hammering (pardon the pun) in bed by her Viking; could ask for a divorce. This is indeed factual.
However; women who married back in the Jorvik times; were not convinced that any man could satisfy them – considering that one of their leaders was called – Ivar the Boneless! How the hell would that have reassured any woman? If the women of Jorvik had any sense; they would have pissed off over to the Anglo Saxon village and hooked up with one of those dudes. Surely having a ruler called; Alfred the Great ‘’in bed’’ would have given the women a bit more confidence as to what they were getting
in-between the sheets? Those guys weren’t called; Hang-Low Saxons for nothing! Oops; I mean, Anglo Saxons.
But joking apart; marriages back then were tough going. The women had it hard – apart from the wife of, Ivar the Boneless of course.

Viking marriages it has to be said; were unconventional.

The majority of women who were married; didn’t get laid that often. Family life was far from normal. If anything; it was completely dysfunctional! Of a morning; the husband would kiss his wife before going to work; and then say; ‘’see you in two years love; oh, and make sure you look after the kids, the cows, and the goats. And one more thing; if you get bored, just do some weaving, and make me a woollen penis warmer as a welcome home gift”.
The women of Jorvik; respected their husbands ego’s immensely; and smart-mouthing them was indeed frowned upon. That said; they must have really felt like saying; ‘’Look babes; it would take me two minutes to weave you a fucking willy warmer – not – two years’’!

Hygiene back in the Viking era was the pits!

Not only did the women go without; Tampax, hair straighteners, false tan and mascara; they went without toothpaste!
The TV series; The Vikings; is a complete and utter joke!
The women of Jorvik; were ugly. (see image – Left – TV Lagertha. Right – the real Lagertha)
It is exactly the same as the series; The Tudors. The actors and actresses are all drop dead gorgeous on screen. The reality is however; and quote; there are portraits to prove it; is that, the Royal family in the Tudor times; had faces like bulldogs licking piss of a thistle.

Jorvik women, were indeed abandoned at home, whilst their Viking husbands went to sea – often for years.
The women kept themselves to themselves and liked their privacy. However; when the winter season loomed; some of the ladies were subject to gossip. Wearing their husbands weaved willy warmers as hats; did create attention and unearthed some secrets – such as; which woman was married to a warrior with the biggest horn and a huge pair of Valknuts.
Of course; if I lived in these bygone times; I would have used my husband’s willy warmer; as a draft excluder, behind the door of my hut – and obviously would have frozen to death and perished.

The Viking law that stipulated women could divorce their husbands on the grounds of lousy love making, was indeed unfair.
Vikings were never at home. They buggered off for at least two to three years raiding towns and villages. Realistically; how could a woman complain about not being satisfied in bed when she only got a two minute session off him once every three years?
Did they Rag? Nar, they didn’t. It is all a myth.
The women of Jorvik would not have known any different. The Karma Sutra and 101 sex positions books weren’t around in those days – nor was there any literature on how to fake an headache.

It is fair to say that; Viking wife’s didn’t raise horns as much as the history books claim.


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