As their annual vote for the seasonal dinner table approaches, Turkeys voting across the country are just really glad they don’t have to decide between the shower of shit humans are being offered in the General Election.
“I usually dread this time of year, when I have to vote for Christmas, because I know Christmas is really great and full of presents. It does, however, involve me being turned into a delicious feast, with an onion rammed up my arse,” explained Barry GobbleGobble, a turkey from Basingstoke. “But at least I don’t have to choose between bumbling, over-privileged moron, Boris Johnson, and that Wurzel Gummidge fellow.“
“I actually feel for humans this year. I mean the poor bastards have had Nigel Farage (who is a thing for some unknown reason), on the telly for weeks. And that guy does not have a face for the telly.” he added.
Turkeys voting for Christmas usually have a difficult time deciding whether to choose having their neck wrung and being trussed up and stuffed, or spending another year in a battery warehouse. But this year a quick sharp death couldn’t come soon enough.
“Soon we are going to see them at carol concerts and children’s Nativity plays, it’s going to be fucking awful. That Jo Swinson, will be crooning “Away in a Manger’ before we know it,” moaned Sally Fannyfeathers, another turkey, this time from Luton. “And when Nicola Sturgeon starts touring a mince pie factory, just ‘kill me already’ – the turkey baster is in my bottom drawer,” she concluded.
Even farmers are beginning to see a change in the attitude of their turkey flocks.
“For the first time this year, I have had birds queuing up to be throttled,” Chesney Ballsack told the Druid’s Loom. “And to be honest, I don’t blame them. Boris Johnson is threatening to come up to my farm. He wants to do a photoshoot with them, wearing all wellies and stuff. All to show he’s in touch with the farming community. Stupid arse. It’s just a shame I don’t have a threshing machine he can ‘accidentally’ fall into,” he added.
“At least with turkeys voting for Christmas, something good comes of it.” Barry GobbleGobble explained. “Whoever you end up with after voting for this bathtub of floaters, is just going to mean five more years of misery. Suddenly an onion up the arse doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.”