UK War to Tackle all the Issues

As UK war ships prepare to enter the Aegean sea to help tackle the migrant crisis the government has introduced a range of similar policies at home.

Paratroopers drop over a spar in Bolton
Paratroopers drop over a spar in Bolton
Image Courtesy of Defence Images Under the CC BY-SA2.0 License

Firstly UK tanks and light assault vehicles will be taking position around all national parks and areas of outstanding natural beauty in an effort to halt the growing climate change crisis.

Green and Pleasant

Warrior, spartan and challenger tanks will be on constant patrols around the majority of wooded areas to ensure that no more damage can be done to Britain’s green and pleasant land. The use of the vehicles will precipitate new deep trench and motorway access areas to be constructed and the redrawing of Britain’s green belt map to ensure the war hogs have rolling access.

Internal Bombing

UK war planes will be helping reduce the housing crisis by ‘strategically’ removing nuisance estates and presumed empty buildings. The effort is expected to fall well within the official MOD ‘two out of three ain’t bad’ accuracy rules. Officer in charge of internal bombing, Captain Owain Harpfoot, said ‘the odds of anyone being in these sites who actually wants to there are very small and everyone who has downloaded our new siren warning app has nothing to fear. Except poor signal, and possibly our signal jammers which we use before any strike.’


Finally UK snipers will be deployed to combat rising levels of shoplifting. Every branch of Tesco, Aldi, Lidl and Asda will be monitored however both Sainsbury’s and Waitrose will be left alone as not only did that sort of thing not go on there but many of the commanding officer’s spouses pop in for quinoa and foie gras. An early success of the scheme was halted after it was discovered to be a food bank.

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More fat fingers? You lucky man!

Druids Loom Reporter

Thank you once again Beyonce, here at the Druid’s Loom we take proof reading very seriously. However, because it is just me, and I have had the shits all weekend, a few have slipped through (and a few typo errors too !!)
I have doubled checked and fixed anything in the article, so I hope it is to your satisfaction.

The Druid


I blame the, undoubtedly handsome, reporter.