In a move rehabilitate the image of vaping stores as one step below legal high shops and one step above a man in a Yates with a haircut like Bez and suspicious crust of cocaine-y blood round his left nostril, many vape outlets have taken on a voluntary 15-point ethical code.
These points include designing all e-cigarettes to make the users look crippling squares and not selling vape sticks to those who do not already smoke.
Geoff, the bloke that hangs around the benches outside the Co-Op, is doing very well out of this arrangement. ‘Yeah, the vape palaces have bounced a bit of trade my way. Ocado has made it so easy for teenagers to get booze delivered to their home, there’s just not the market for loitering around street corners waiting for children to scrape their pocket money together to go halfsies on a two litre bottle of White Lightening. I thought I was going to have to give my patch over the Jehovah’s Witnesses and get a proper job. Thank God for the endless ingenuity of man in finding new ways to dicker with their own health.’
Head of the Vaping Alliance, Harriett Jackson, issued this statement, ‘We are currently going against every principle of commerce by not foisting our wears onto all comers; in Rockefeller times we would have been shot with bullets make of folded up five pound notes and our carcasses sold off to glue factories. How are we supposed to survive long-term if we can’t inculcate in the young crippling life-long addictions that we can then pretend to help them breakout of? Cut us a bit of slack.’
Non-smokers, not wanting to be left out of this latest trend, have resorted to extreme measures to bypass the restrictions, such as dipping their fingertips into vanilla slices to get the right shade of nicotine yellow.
Lifelong non-smoker, Samantha Cartwright, had this to say. ‘Finally, I’ve found a way to get on board the vaping scene without risking a honking great lung tumour; if anything, e-cigs will probably only cause a small, discreet baby tumour that can be whipped right out by competent medical professionals. If I can get some action that is a risk I’m willing to take.’