Vince Cable to Relaunch Himself with a New Name

The perennially anonymous leader of the Liberal Democrats, Sir Vince Cable, has hired a crack-team of personal branding experts to add a much-needed boost his non-existent public profile.

Just call me Cable
Just call me Cable
Image under the CC-BY-2.0 License

A six-figure contract has been awarded to renowned image consultants, Messrs Massingberd and Massingberd, with a brief to remodel Vince Cable from a fedora wearing pub-bore, to a sophisticated party leader that the public can recognise, and trust.

Cable

The first act will be to change Vince Cable’s name by deed-poll to just one word – ‘Cable’. Project lead, Mostyn Massingberd, gave us some background.

Charisma

Unfortunately, Vince has little in the way of gravitas or charisma and is not recognisable to most of the public. We commissioned a poll that suggested 95% of adults in the UK had never heard of Vince Cable. Those that had heard of him thought that he was just David Cameron’s errand-boy in the coalition government,” Massingberd explained.

Sandles-and-Socks

Something had to change, so the party decided on a public relations makeover. Cables connect, and that’s what we want Vince to do. He already has the sandals-and-socks vote in the bag, he just needs to reach out to non-Liberal Democrats and ‘get down with tha yoof’,” he added.

Worked Wonders

Massingberd concluded, “We believe that relaunching him as ‘Cable’ will go a long way to achieving this. Having one, instantly recognisable name worked wonders for Madonna, Prince, Twiggy and Hitler, and we believe that it will be equally as effective for Cable.

Polish a Turd

An unnamed senior Liberal Democrat MP was less positive about the name change, telling us that, “It’s a joke, an absolute joke. You have heard of the saying ‘you can’t polish a turd’ – well, you can’t. You can roll it in glitter, but it still smells of shit. Unfortunately, that is Vince in a nutshell. It will take more than a stupid name change to drag our party out of the dustbin of history.

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