A six-figure contract has been awarded to renowned image consultants, Messrs Massingberd and Massingberd, with a brief to remodel Vince Cable from a fedora wearing pub-bore, to a sophisticated party leader that the public can recognise, and trust.
The first act will be to change Vince Cable’s name by deed-poll to just one word – ‘Cable’. Project lead, Mostyn Massingberd, gave us some background.
“Unfortunately, Vince has little in the way of gravitas or charisma and is not recognisable to most of the public. We commissioned a poll that suggested 95% of adults in the UK had never heard of Vince Cable. Those that had heard of him thought that he was just David Cameron’s errand-boy in the coalition government,” Massingberd explained.
“Something had to change, so the party decided on a public relations makeover. Cables connect, and that’s what we want Vince to do. He already has the sandals-and-socks vote in the bag, he just needs to reach out to non-Liberal Democrats and ‘get down with tha yoof’,” he added.
Massingberd concluded, “We believe that relaunching him as ‘Cable’ will go a long way to achieving this. Having one, instantly recognisable name worked wonders for Madonna, Prince, Twiggy and Hitler, and we believe that it will be equally as effective for Cable.”
Polish a Turd
An unnamed senior Liberal Democrat MP was less positive about the name change, telling us that, “It’s a joke, an absolute joke. You have heard of the saying ‘you can’t polish a turd’ – well, you can’t. You can roll it in glitter, but it still smells of shit. Unfortunately, that is Vince in a nutshell. It will take more than a stupid name change to drag our party out of the dustbin of history.”