We Only Care About Booze and Fags – Budget Survey Reveals

Chancellor George will be shocked to hear that the British public couldn't care less about 'the big issues' in today's Budget. Cigarettes and alcohol are our main concern

George Osborne
Fags and Booze George, Fags and Booze.
Image Courtesy of altogetherfool under the CC BY-SA2.0 license

George Osborne will be shaken to the core with the news that nobody but MP’s seem to give two hoots about his Budget.

Disinterested Drinkers

A survey of 1000 disinterested drinkers confirmed that the public couldn’t care less about ‘boring’ issues such as surpluses and deficits. In fact they are regarded as the blah, blah, blah section of the event before the Chancellor gets to the bit we’re all waiting for – Tax on booze and fags.

Couldn’t Give a Toss

George Bird, a fierce looking drinker from Stevenage commented ‘I couldn’t give a toss about the whole thing mate. As long as that smug looking posh bloke doesn’t raise taxes on what I enjoy doing, the rest of it is a pile of mumbo jumbo, hooray Henry nonsense. Let’s face it. None of ’em live in the real World. Give me another double scotch Bill.’

Burger Bar

We spoke to a young mum named Emma inside a burger bar in Widnes. ‘I’ve got five kids right. Why would I give a second thought what some idiot waving his suitcase around has to say? As long as I can still afford to drink and smoke, that’s all I’m worried about. Oh, you can also tell him to stick that case where the sun don’t shine. Posh boy!’

Kicking they Deserve

Further interviews revealed that everybody else seems to have a similar opinion. Comments like ‘Who gives a stuff?’ and ‘It’s just a bunch of overgrown schoolkids having a jolly-up. If they acted like that in this boozer, we’d take ’em outside and give them the kicking they deserve.’

The Druid’s Comment
Mr. Osborne. The Druid’s advice is to lose the suitcase, stand up in the Commons to say you’re knocking a couple of quid off fags and a pint and the British public will vote for you time and again. Cheers!

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