Wetherspoon Boss Upset By Coronavirus
Owner of Wetherspoons; the classic ‘sticky table’ ale house/eatery has reacted with dismay at the Governments suggestion that the elderly and vulnerable should self isolate. He is also livid that everyone else should avoid pubs and large gatherings.
“My ‘pubs’ thrive on the business from the brexit voting elderly and mentally vulnerable,” explained Noddy Holder lookalike Tim Martin. “I make millions a year, from weirdos, sitting in a corner talking to the wall and drinking themselves into oblivion” he added.
“Plus all the Brexit voting elderly come in for their Full British Breakfasts and a pint. How dare the government put a stop to me making more money,” he moaned.
Beetroot coloured brexit voter Derek Selfish, told the Druid’s Loom, “When I voted to leave, I voted to take back control. And now I am being told to stay inside. Well Boris can fuck off! Even if I have the virus and I am coughing my guts up, I’ll be down my local ‘spoons’ for the Mixed Grill and a Pint, ” he ranted and raved at us.
“I love my Wetherspoons,” exclaimed right wing shit monkey, Timmy Rubbington. “Where else can you get a plate of meat of dubious origin, oven chips and a pint for under a fiver. Plus its a great place to meet up with my chums, and moan about the immigrants and gays. I will continue to come here, despite the current Covid-19 crisis.“, he added depressingly.
Business as Usual
“So basically I don’t give a shit about anyone’s health, or if they live or die. I just want more and more lovely money,” Tim Martin said, smirking from ear to ear. “As for my staff, fuck ’em. It’s bad enough I have to pay them in the first place; and most of them are foreign anyway.“
The Druid’s Loom contacted a local environmental health expert, Clara Cleanthumb for her opinion on Tim Martin’s cavalier approach to the nation’s health. “To be honest, for anyone entering Wetherspoons, Coronavirus is the least of your worries,” she explained. “When we last tested the carpet for cleanliness we discovered that it now has its own DNA and is showing signs of becoming sentient.“