Nigel Cumdrip will be eating 12p noodles and living in the dark for the rest of this month due to being in receipt of a hefty phone bill.
The 48 year old professional carrier bag collector opened his phone bill this morning and almost shat out a kidney in shock when he read the due amount. Mr Cumdrip had racked up a staggering £367.38 in charges to a single premium rate number, the helpline for the “Where’s Ainsley?” competition, which had been published in Bagged Up Weekly.
“Helpline? They should call it the bend over and smile like a ring donut so we can shaft you for every penny line, because that’s what they’ve done. I’ve never met Ainsley Harriott so how do they expect me to find him in a photo? He could pull my trollies down and slap my sack with a wet fish and I wouldn’t know it was him, they should have continued the Spot Spock contest, you couldn’t miss those ears in a bowl of beans”. he expressed.
Nigel blames the automated service for deliberately playing his favourite song, Star Trekkin’ by The Firm, whilst being on hold and forcing him to phone in a further eighty seven times. Mr Cumdrip says he will be forwarding a copy of his colossal bill to the magazine, along with a note from his mother demanding compensation.
In the highly likely event his demands are not met, Nigel states he will be sending them a cat turd wrapped in a pair of his underpants from the bottom of his wash basket.
“Its simple, either they cough up for my phone bill or they receive a pussy plop on their desk, recorded delivery. I don’t like cats, their heads freak me out, so I know which option I’d go for”, Mr Cumdrip adds.