Whoopsie – Says Department For Education

The Department for Education, the government department in charge of the education of every child in the country, has placed live exam papers on its website, making the whole thing a total waste of time and effort.

Some children, laughing at the DFE, yesterday.
Some children, laughing at the DFE, yesterday.
Image Courtesy of Woodleywonderworks under the CC-NC2.0 License

For a number of months, 7 year olds, in Year 2, have been treated like examination pawns for the up and coming Keystage 1 assessments.

Souls Sapped
Instead of learning about many wonderful subjects and enjoying their education, children (yes children) have been drilled in a hellish exam stress nightmare, having their very souls ripped from their bodies. There have been weeks of rote learning; days of practice tests and hours of repetitively mind-numbling homework.

Total Mockery
In January the Department for Education ‘accidentally’ published the live tests on their website, thus making a total mockery of the whole process.

“What was the point of all work?” Lucy Wibblepibble, an irate 7 year old told the Druid’s Loom. “All I want to do is learn how to read a bit, and grasp the basics of maths, then in the afternoon get the playdoh out!

Scared of Monsters
I believe in fairies, ghosts, and pixies, and I have to go to bed with a nightlight because I am scared of the monsters under my bed,” she continued. “In spite of that; no matter how simplistic my outlook on life is; even I know not to put a REAL exam paper on the fucking internet! No wonder my headteacher has just resigned!

Really Similar
Spokesman for the DFE, Lewis Junkblubber, explained “Oopsie, it was a bit of a mistake really. You see the two papers look really similar. The only difference is one says ‘Real Paper’  on it and the other says ‘Practice Paper’. Lol

Can’t Be Arsed
The Druid’s Loom asked if there would be a chance that the papers could be re-written, to which Mr Junkblubber responded, “There’s not enough time really. We expect teachers to write whole new exam courses and learn how to teach them in a few weeks, but we really can’t be arsed to write out a few new questions.” 

When asked what schools should do, Mr Junkblubber said nonchalantly, “It doesn’t really matter, they are only children – it’s not like they make profit or anything. Anyway – we will be changing all this shit again in a few weeks.


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