The proceedings began last week when slave driver, and purveyor of cheap sporting tat, Mike Ashley, met with MP’s. The meeting was to discuss the despicable way his company, Sports Direct, treats its employees.
With allegations of a ‘climate of fear’, pay below the minimum wage, inhumane security searches, and staff giving birth in the toilets, Mr Ashley was quick to defend his company.
“If I don’t pay by staff small amounts of money, how am I supposed to become a billionaire?” the billionaire balked. “I have always found that downtrodden staff who live in fear of their jobs, make much more loyal workers. I have even toyed with the idea of random summary sackings, just to keep everyone on their toes.“
On the subject of staff giving birth in the toilets Mr Ashley told us, “Obviously it is regrettable that these woman gave birth during working hours, however as a gesture of goodwill we only docked them half a day’s pay. I have made it clear though, that in future births, staff will be required to pay for any cleaning of the toilet cubicles afterwards.“
Employees to Blame
Dominic Chappell who appeared before MP’s yesterday, explained how the 11,000 BHS employees were to blame for the company’s demise.
“I bought BHS for £1 and have siphoned of millions of pounds from the company, although I am not going to tell you where it is – lol. However I blame store management and staff for the problems. These ‘people’, keep demanding that they are paid for their work. All that money could have gone to keeping BHS afloat.” explained, former bankrupt, Mr Chappell.
Mr Chappell’s bastardry was cemented yesterday when it emerged he threatened to kill the CEO of BHS, if he snitched on a £1.5million ‘transfer of funds’, from BHS accounts.
Big Fucking Yacht
Finally former owner of BHS, Phillip Green, who is yet to appear before MP’s, explained why being a bastard has been good for him too.
“I recommend being a bastard to everyone,” Mr Green told the Druid’s Loom. “Before selling BHS, I took £420 million in dividends. Now the pension fund is over £500million in deficit. Not only have I taken these employees jobs, but their retirement too. It’s hilarious!” he added, whilst sipping Champagne, sat on his big fucking yacht in the Mediterranean.