Dear Clifton Turtle,
I need your advice.
My wife and I will have been together for ten years this coming Sunday, I’m taking her out for a romantic meal at her favourite chippy to celebrate. I don’t eat chippy food, so I’m taking some spam butties. Going there will stop the nagging for an hour, so I don’t mind.
Anyway, I’m also banking on some intimate time afterwards, special occasion and all, so I want to get something that will give our night a bit of extra pleasure. What can I buy her that will wet her sponge and give her a night to remember?
P.S, she is allergic to several types of rubber, plastic, and dog hair.
Thanks in advance
Bob Dickfish
Dear Bob,
Congratulations on surviving ten years, you must be very submissive. Going to a chippy to celebrate a decade of togetherness is quite a no frills affair, you may as well take her for a happy meal and get a free toy.
Should she agree to battering your sausage, you definitely need to add some extra pleasure on such an occasion.
Taking into consideration her allergies, I would suggest a more natural implement to pleasure her with.
Get yourself to your local supermarket and buy her a butternut squash and a bottle of olive oil, it will be cheaper than your chippy tea and will be more filling.
Of course, there’s always the option of making a soup afterwards.
Kind regards
Clifton Turtle
