The British People have decided that they would rather hand over their personal details to Beelzebub himself, than allow Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson to get their grubby little hands all over it.
“A few weeks ago I thought the NHS App would be a good idea to help stop the spread of Covid-19,” explained Harriet Butterflaps, a furloughed worker from Surrey. “However when I found out that the government paid one of Dominic Cummings’ mates £250 million pound to make it I am definitely not installing it on my phone. I don’t want his beady little eyes trawling through my personal stuff and knowing my whereabouts in real-time,” she added.
Your data, which will not be anonymised, will be stored by the Government for 20 years, for some inexplicable reason. The government will be able to harvest your personal details for a range of insidious purposes, just like when Dominic got all your facebook data from Cambridge Analytica and stuff.
“I am incandescent with rage,” explained Barry Fromage, a furloughed worker from Yorkshire. “You are expecting me to trust serial liar and village idiot Boris Johnson with details about where I am and who I have been with. He can fuck right off,” he explained. “What I can’t understand is why we are not using the Apple/Google app which first of all works, secondly respects data privacy and thirdly hasn’t been set up by a bunch of untrustworthy cunts,” he mused.
Fat Useless Carcass
The Druid’s Loom approached Boris Johnson and asked if he could alleviate the concerns over installing the data harvesting NHS app.
“Well, errr, um, err,, um waffle, sploffle er, hair ruffle, waffle. I fully stand by Mr Cummings and want to draw a line under the matter and move on. Err Um, Wash your hands for 20 seconds and err, maintain social distancing.“
He then ruffled his utterly stupid and embarrassing hair once more, before turning his fat useless carcass round and walking away rudely.
Weak and Pathetic
Sarah Sadhips, a furloughed worker from Gloucestershire told the Druid’s Loom, “I felt a bit sorry for Boris when he caught Covid-19 and nearly died. He looked so weak and pathetic. But now he’s acting weak and pathetic, standing up for, evil personified, Dominic Cummings. I mean really, nobody believes the eye test bullshit do they? Any bloody moron can see that is a load of old bollocks.“
“Actually, bugger them all – I’m going to the park and having a BBQ with my mates, fuck ’em, fuck the bloody lot of them, the utter, utter, utter, utter bastards.“