Dear Clifton Turtle,
I’m a journalist for the Daily Mail in my sixties, and I spend most of my weekly columns talking about homosexuality and making up bizarre unrelated fantasies around topic issues, that involve sex with men.
In one column, I was legitimately talking about the dangers of texting whilst driving, but for some reason saw fit to start talking about Grindr, the gay dating app, and having sex with men at service stations.
Later on in the column, I was looking at the issue someone was taking with the Empire Pie, being sold in Marks & Spencers. For no reason at all, I then brought Cottage Pies and Mince Pies and added a predictable homosexual reference.
Do I have a problem?
Please help.
John Littlerichard
Dear John,
Having read your articles, I would say you definitely do have a problem, and it’s not to do with your sexuality.
It is more to do with the predictable and clichéd nature or your work. Repeating phrases like “dopey bird”, “elf ‘n safety” and using a juvenile style of writing that would make an 11 years old facepalm. That’s your problem. That and you are obviously a total wanker.
In answer to your original question “am I gay”, you probably are, but to be honest that doesn’t matter does it.
Clifton Turtle
