Chancellor Jeremy Hunt, in a move that’s nothing short of a ‘Complete Hunt’ strategy, has unveiled a controversial plan today that’s turning heads—and not in a good way. The Chancellor is apparently eyeing the funds currently going to the long-term sick, with a view to channel them into tax relief for his wealthier associates.
Brain Tumour Blues
In an interview with the Druid’s Loom, Mr Hunt insisted that the so-called ‘idle ill’ who ‘lounge around bemoaning their brain tumours or the fact that their hearts keep stopping’ are doing little more than draining taxpayer coffers—funds that could, in his view, be better spent on ‘essentials’ like heating swimming pools or decorating rural retreats. ‘The cost of living crisis spares no one, not even the affluent,’ he argued with a furrowed brow.
Cost of Living Crunch
“Why, should the feckless receive Tax Payers hard-earned money. They will only spend it on luxuries like heating their homes, and purchasing cheap food from Lidl”, he complained. “Under my new plans, I would like to have the impoverished shoulder more ‘non-essential’ costs, such as medical prescriptions and dental care—even if they’re unfit to work.”
Defecting
“I’m almost blind, in constant pain, and always near a toilet to avoid shitting myself, but my heart goes out to those burdened with the upkeep of multiple homes,’ explained terminal cancer sufferer, Cauley Kumquat, before excusing himself to vomit into a bucket.”
On returning he explained he would happily spend the remaining days and dignity, down the job centre, if it means the country’s billionaires, have a nice warm hot tub for their horses.
Die Early
Downing Street spokeswoman, Brenda Pissflaps, was quick to extol the virtues of this policy, “As far as I am concerned this is win-win!”
“The poor will die early, freeing up public funds for the UK’s ultra-rich, while the government scores easy points with ‘Tory Tax Cuts’ headlines in the Daily Mail—just in time for the elections!” she grinned.
