Whilst the country languishes in lockdown, and heroic front line NHS staff struggle in the fight against Coronavirus, British banks prove (if any further proof were needed) that they are total and utter f**king bastards.
Sick, Vulnerable and Desperate
In a totally despicable move, British banks brought in a raft of measures to squeeze every last penny out of employees, employers, the sick, vulnerable and desperate.
Taking Everyone’s Money
“Having screwed the country over in the banking crisis of 2008, by taking everyone’s money, we required something else to demonstrate what utter c**ts we are,” explained Banking chief Sarah Tightanus. “Thank heavens for Covid-19.” she chuckled heartily.
“We have brought a number of measures to basically bleed desperate people dry.” she added.
Paltry
As people are preparing to survive on 80% of their salary, or the government’s paltry £94 a week sick pay, British banks have decided to:
- Raise their overdraft rates from 9.99% to 40%.
- Increase the cost of personal loans.
- Fail to pass on the Bank of England cuts in interest rates to mortgage payers.
Win Win
“It’s basically a win win situation for us. As people run out of funds they will have to get an overdraft, and we can rake in the cash,” Ms Tightanus chortled. “Those paying a mortgage are totally f**ked, and whilst we may give them a payment holiday, you can be rest assured we will charge whining little wankers shitloads in interest – why the hell should we lose out,” she moaned.
Shitstains
The Druid’s loom approached Professor of Fiscal studies, Helen Nelen and asked her for her opinion on the Banks attitude to the crisis.
“Unfortunately, British banks prove time and time again that they are complete shit stains,” she told us.
“They take everything and funnel it directly to their chief execs. It’s sad that Covid-19 has brought some of the biggest bastards out of the woodwork. There is Tim Martin (Weatherspoons), Mike Ashley (Sports Direct) and Philip Green (Top Shop). And, of course, who could forget those twats who took all the bog roll?” she continued.
Pile of shite
“However, sat right on top of this immense pile of shit is the British banking system,” she concluded.
