Master of distraction, and useless village idiot, Boris Johnson, yesterday unveiled, a hastily written policy in order to cover for his own failings.
Save His Own Skin
If an effort to save his own skin, the Prime Minister announced that people, living “hand to mouth”, could put any spare money they have into savings. This in turn could be used to save for a deposit or pay for a crippling mortgage.
Kevin Busterlube from Manchester told the Druid’s loom, “Why would I want to buy this shithole? There is a strange green mould growing up the walls, the roof leaks, and there is a smell of rotting meat coming from the attic”.
He continued angrily, “I can’t afford food, nor heating – which is OK because the boiler is broken anyway. It is barely habitable. If I buy this dump, I will be liable for all the repairs, and the bloody landlord will shirk his responsibilities, again”.
Taking The Piss
Mortgage Lender, Claire Fatknuckle, explained why this policy is actually taking the piss.
“We will still do affordability checks. Why in God’s name people money who are using foodbanks? It would be financial suicide.”
“Boris is a f**king idiot.” she added.
Poor People
Speaking at a press conference earlier, Mr Johnson explained his plan. “Err ummm yes, whatho, errr waffle spluffle. Yes. Forgive me. Yes errr.”
Once he found his place on the page, he added, “This idea, is to make poor people think they can own a property. The first thing they need to do is save a deposit. £16,000 should do it, just loose change really. After that they will be granted an impossible mortgage”, he grinned, through is dirty crooked teeth.
“After the subsequent repossession, my rich mates will be able to buy the property at a huge discount, adding them to their increasing property portfolios. It’s win, win for them!”, he added, chuckling and smirking.
When asked what would happen to the people who were made homeless, the Prime Minter chortled and explained,
“Ah, yes, well, err, that is when our Benefits to Rwanda scheme kicks in!”
