Whilst the country languishes in lockdown, and heroic front line NHS staff struggle in the fight against Coronavirus, British banks prove (if any further proof were needed) that they are total and utter fucking bastards.
Sick, Vulnerable and Desperate
In a totally despicable move, British banks brought in a raft of measures to squeeze every last penny out of employees, employers, the sick, vulnerable and desperate.
Taking Everyone’s Money
“Having screwed the country over in the banking crisis of 2008, by taking everyone’s money, we needed something else demonstrate what utter cunts we are,” explained Banking chief Sarah Tightanus. “Thank heavens for Covid-19.” she chuckled heartily.
“We have brought a number of measures to basically bleed desperate people dry.” she added.
As people are preparing to survive on 80% of their salary, or the governments paltry £94 a week sick pay, British banks have decided to:
- Raise their overdraft rates from 9.99% to 40%.
- Increase the cost of personal loans.
- Fail to pass on the Bank of England cuts in interest rates to mortgage payers.
“It’s basically a win win situation for us. As people run out of funds they will have to get an overdraft and we can rake in the cash,” Ms Tightanus chortled. “Those paying a mortgage are totally fucked, and whilst we may give them a payment holiday, you can be rest assured we will charge whining little wankers shitloads in interest – why the hell should we lose out,” she moaned.
The Druid’s loom approached Professor of Fiscal studies, Helen Nelen and asked her for her opinion on the Banks attitude to the crisis.
“Unfortunately British banks prove time and time again that they are complete shitstains,” she told us.
“They take everything and funnel it directly to their chief execs. It’s sad that Covid-19 has brought some of the biggest bastards out of the woodwork. There is Tim Martin (Weatherspoons), Mike Ashley (Sports Direct) and Philip Green (Top Shop). And, of course, who could forget those twats who took all the bog roll?” she continued.
Pile fo shite
“However, sat right on top of this immense pile of shit is the British banking system,” she concluded.
A Message from The Druid
Dear Valued Druid’s Loom Reader/Subscriber,
In this time of crisis many potential readers have now mowed the lawn, washed the car and are not sat at home on their arses. They have run rampant around the local supermarkets and totally cleaned them out. They are already bored of Netflix, the internet and masturbating. They need something else to get them through the day.
This is where you come in. I thought it would be a lovely idea if we could lift the spirits of the nation with a Countrywide Covid Comedy Contribution.
I am looking for writers and cartoonists to help to submit hilarious articles and cartoons for the website during this difficult time. Also if you know of anyone else who has skills in this area – get them involved too.
It’s great fun, you get to publically take the piss out of politicians and vent your rage at anything you disagree with.
Any profits made, will go to donating bog roll to old folk.
You can email me the drivel you produce directly at firstname.lastname@example.org. or use the following links below.
Article Submissions can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/submissions/
Cartoon Submissions Can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/druids_toon_submissions/
Spoof Adverts Can Be sent Here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/spoofads/
Letters to the Druid can be sent here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/send-us-a-letter/
Druid’s Loom Problem Page here: https://druidsloom.co.uk/druid/ask-the-druid/
With Your help we can Make Britain Laugh Again