As countless thousands of people suffer from the dangerous symptoms of Coronavirus, the rich and powerful breathed a fucking sigh of relief, as a mild strain of the virus was discovered just for them.
“This is jolly marvelous,” blustered UK’s premiere fuckwit, Boris Johnson. “I don’t have to have that nasty virus that has been through standard British herd. I get a nice one all of my own, untouched by plebs,” he coughed in delight.
The special Covid-19-deluxe has been found to only infect the disgustingly rich. It’s symptoms are very mild, but also include instant testing, which is absent from the standard strain.
Another victim, HRH Prince Charles, has also contracted the luxury version of the virus.
“It’s been bloody awesome,” he told The Druid’s Loom. “Not only do I get these mild symptoms, I also get a free pass to roam the countryside as I please, and move all my germs up to Scotland, unlike everyone else who has to stay locked up in their hovels.“
As the crisis mounts across the country we asked the Coronavirus what the purpose of this two tier infection system was.
“The truth is very simple, I can infect the body of a commoner, like you, only to be fed, panic bought pasta, rice and some cheap supermarket cook-in source. Or, I can infect the likes of Boris and Prince Charles, where I get fine wines, quails eggs, caviar and swan. Given the choice – which one would you want to keep alive!” Covid-19 explained.
“Also because I am a total bastard, I may go and infect Donald Trump, and make sure he only gets mild symptoms too – to further perpetuate his god complex so he becomes even more intolerable and obnoxious!“