Freda Frumpybot, a 45-year-old, business executive from Burton on Trent, was left shitting himself yesterday when she read an article in the Daily Mail about burnt toast causing cancer.
Acrylamide
The article explained how toast burning can cause the formation of the chemical Acrylamide, which has a scary name and might make you get cancer and die.
Cigarette
“I ate a piece of burnt toast about three weeks ago. I popped it up too early and it wasn’t done, so I put it back in again, but forgot about it,” she told us puffing away on her eighth cigarette of the day.
“When it came out, it was quite dark brown. But I was running late for my appointment at the tanning salon, so I just ate it,” she continued, coughing and wheezing for a bit.
Polycyclic Aromatic Hydrocarbons
“If I knew what I now know today, I would have thrown it away,” she added, as she inhaled acetaldehyde, arsenic, benzene, beryllium, cadmium, ethylene oxide, formaldehyde, polonium-210, vinyl chloride and a range of polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons.
Despite the scaremongering story, that was repeated across the media, Cancer Research UK, have said that it’s simply too soon today if it is an issue. Even the FSA, who produced the original report, said they would not ‘describe the risk as significant’ and that there is a ‘probably, not definitely a link.’
Human Rights
Meanwhile, Mrs Frumpypot, who continued to suck on a burning stick containing at least 43 proven carcinogens, explained to the Druid’s Loom,
“Smoking is my choice isn’t it, it’s one of my f**king human rights,” before going outside to sit under a nuclear fusion reaction for 3 hours, whilst ultraviolet radiation bounced off her skin.
