Hello there readers! It’s Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt here; looking to give you medical advice and top tips on how to stay healthy.
Now, it doesn’t take an idiot to realise that there are currently problems with our overstretched health service. In fact, I’ve made sure my department has fed the right wing press as many negative stories as possible about the NHS. This means I can lower public sympathy for those pesky Junior doctors who keep going on strike, moaning about their working hours and stuff.
Sick People Advice
As many of you are probably aware I have begun offering advice to sick people, who can’t afford private health care, on how they can avoid going to hospital. Only the other day, I explained how to use the internet to figure out if a rash on a child is serious or not.
Feel free to use Hunt’s Handy Health Checker below, to diagnose and treat some common ailments.
Helpful Hunt’s Handy Health Checker
- Symptom – Trauma to the head: Use witch hazel to bring down any bruising, followed by some aspirin to relive any pain.
- Symptom – Pain in chest and left arm: Probably indigestion. Take an anti-acid tablet or something, followed by some vigorous exercise in the fresh air.
- Symptom – Broken Bones: Rest the affected limb, perhaps take some time off work (but not too much – lol). If the bone is sticking out of the skin, don’t forget to apply some ointment to the wound. We don’t want it getting infected.
- Symptom – Oozing pustules on the genitals: Apply TCP.
- Symptom – Loss of consciousness: Sleep it off. You’ll be fine.
Druid’s Loom Warning. Please note Jeremy’s advice is NOT endorsed by any medical organisation. Please do not follow it.
Phone line
On top of this advice I am about to launch my own health help-line, where you can phone me, Jeremy Hunt, and I will offer you hints and tips, of how to get fit and well again.
My help-line will be available from 10am until 4pm (closed between 12-2pm for lunch), Monday to Friday (early closing Friday). It’s also closed on bank holidays and for two weeks over Christmas. Oh, and it’s closed during parliament recesses, which is like months and months.
My new help-line is called “Complete Hunt”, and I plan to set it up after the next general election.
