A spokesman for the Coronavirus Pandemic today emphatically suggested that we should all just “bloody well move on” and ignore the actual events that are actually happening around us in a absolutely horrifying manner.
The Coronavirus Pandemic has asked that we all just “Carry on as if nothings happening and let us just get on with getting Brexit done.”
Savage Recession
Pauline Goggins of Sparta on the Wolde highlighted the need to work together during this difficult time. “It’s not fair, the coronavirus has obviously killed upwards of 40000 people and this will absolutely rise on an ongoing basis whilst also dragging our country into a savage recession full of doubt and fear for the lives and futures of all of us but is that any reason to be critical of the Coronavirus?” She went further. “We need to be able to make an absolute mockery of common sense and get on with it, otherwise how will we function. I mean I stabbed a man over a three pounds seventy debt in the early 80s but you didn’t see me crying into my Woolies pick and mix. I mean that would have been the first thing to go if that was still around.”
Numberwang
The Coronavirus also had a lot to say about the future. “Obviously this has been a great success and it’s gone very well and anything that suggest otherwise is a lie but we would like to make some promises today that will gain us a good look in the short term and then pretend we never said it and bury it later on.” It continued “For example we guarantee that we won’t get anything wrong or sacrifice lives for the sake of a fictional economy based on a fictional system of paper and computer numberwang which is essentially monopoly but you only get a pound and everything on the board has gone already and if you are a minority there are load more go to jail boxes and you owe us a pound.”
Lockdown Rules
Following on from the suggestion and also fact based evidence that the coronavirus broke lockdown rules the Coronavirus refused to comment. “I can’t comment on that because I am too busy moving on from it. The lockdown was difficult for all of us, I may have been on a round trip up and down the country exploring the highways and byways of England buy who of us in the same position wouldn’t do the same, then lie about it, then gaslight everyone and pretend they have a problem and then ignore it and wait for it to go away. Then call everyone else arseholes?”
Approval Rating
Following the moving on that the Coronavirus has assured us that we will all be doing it has promised to step back from the limelight for the time being and take some time out. “How much can you inflict on people before they start to wake up? My approval rating is going down, I have a drink problem I’m pretending not to have, I have a cenobite giving me advice and I genuinely think that if we can just make sure we keep our base happy by appealing to right wing populist narratives the world will be absolutely fine.”
Snake Oil
The Coronavirus is also reflective and looking to the future. “We have to move on and have a little break, then we can stop moving on and do the whole thing over again but harder, faster and more devastatingly crippling for not only the physical but the psychological state of the nation. That being said though if we can still continue to behave like a bunch of snake oil salesman dismantling your very lives behind your back while smiling at you and lying to you with almost every sound that comes out of your mouth or every twitch of our very being then why won’t the future be absolutely golden.”
Brexit was unavailable for interview but stated “Here’s Johnny.” Menacingly from under a Wetherspoons paper lunchtime menu covered in HP sauce and the dreams of the innocent.
